Posts tagged "Kick the burger"
Apparently Jay-Z and MC Hammer are feuding. And by feuding I mean, Jay-Z rapped once about MC Hammer and MC Hammer responded with an amazing video that begins with an indecipherable business meeting, and ends with a fake Jay-Z being baptized by a real MC Hammer (spoiler?).
The feud I’m waiting for is between Jay-Z and Simon & Schuster.
“Life is a trip so sometimes we gonna stumble.”
“May the best of your todays, be the worst of your tomorrows.”
“Fear not much while we’re alive, life is for living not living up tight.”
“All of y’all can suck my balls through my drawers.”
Or, maybe he’s just prepping for his next venture, “Chicken Soup for the Jay-Z Soul.”
I bought a box of Tootsie Pop Drops this weekend from Walgreens. Delicious. I love candy. I could eat candy twenty four hours a day.
So you can understand my frustration when I open my box of Tootsie Pop Drops and proceed to randomly eat FOUR CHOCOLATE CANDIES IN A ROW! What!?! Then my wife pours out the rest and we discover that HALF of the box is chocolate. How did this happen? Did one of the workers elbow the guy next to him and say, “Look, I’m totally going to make the worst box of candy ever,” and proceed to regurgitate the last four things he ate into a box, then the guy he elbowed said, “No way, I can do better than that,” so that guy filled a box with HALF chocolate tootsie pop drops, and I got that box?
Why is Tootsie still making chocolate? Everyone knows they’re disgusting. Nobody eats chocolate Tootsies. They get thrown out of bags immediately, or just left at the bottom. They’re the equivalent of getting
wax lips on Halloween chocolate Tootsie pops on Halloween. They are the first thing to get sorted out of your candy pile, even wax lips can be used as a joke. You can try and sneak wax lips into your friends pile and they’d be like, “EEEWWWWW NO WAY, GROSS!” But if you tried that with a chocolate Tootsie pop your friend would just say, “come on man, don’t be an ass.” Me handing someone a chocolate Tootsie pop would be like handing them a live grenade and not even leaving myself enough time to get away.
Seriously Tootsie, next time just sell me a box of crap; at least I won’t be tempted to eat it.
Yes. That IS a picture of Tom Berenger punching William Forsythe in the balls.
Why? Maybe you should watch The Substitute on Netflix Watch Instantly to find out.
No. I didn’t find that picture on the internet, I had to watch it on my computer and take screenshots. Here is another one.
You won’t be disappointed. It has everything a 13 year old would want in a movie:
Silenced machine guns
Gun fights in a school
Evil drug dealing principal
Ragtag group of Vietnam mercenaries
Good guys being good guys
Bad guys being bad guys
Extremely awkward yet totally PG sex scene
Guys repeatedly being thrown out of windows. Not, guys being thrown out of windows throughout the course of the movie, guys being repeatedly thrown out of the same window, like one after another, like 5- 6 guys get thrown out of the same third story library window back to back to back to back to back.
Seriously, it’s sunday afternoon, tomorrow you have to go back to work; sit down and treat yourself to something nice.
“That’s you, drops of water and you’re on top of the mountain of success. But one day you start sliding down the mountain and you think wait a minute; I’m a mountain top water drop. I don’t belong in this valley, this river, this low dark ocean with all these drops of water. Then one day it gets hot and you slowly evaporate into air, way up, higher than any mountain top, all the way to the heavens. Then you understand that it was at your lowest that you were closest to God. Life’s a journey that goes round and round and the end is closest to the beginning. So if it’s change you need, relish the journey.”
The speech from Edward James Olmos, punctuated by Joaquin Phoenix nodding his head and occasionally mumbling, actually goes on for a little while longer, and, whether spontaneous or scripted, is a great soliloquy on egoism and self-reflection.
A commentary that the film doesn’t deserve. For all their effort to reflect on celebrity and explore the relationship between the media and its audience, I’m Still Here masterminds Casey Affleck and Joaquin Phoenix spend most of their time creating that attention. The duo seem to miss the irony of titling their fake documentary about an actor that no one has forgotten about, or been given time to, largely because of their own efforts, “I’m Still Here.” This same aspect, the fact that I am familiar with a lot of this footage either virally or through reading headlines, makes the film seem long, leaving only a few facets of the movie actually worth watching: Phoenix’s ramblings, his music demos (read: “complicated” demo), and a handful of shots that evoke the creators’ desired themes. But even those aren’t enough for more than a youtube recommendation.
Santana. Plus Gavin Rossdale? Equals Bang a Gong?!? What is going on? What kind of universe do we live in that either Santana approaches Gavin Rossdale to cover Bang a Gong or Gavin Rossdale approaches Santana and says, “Hey man, I can do a killer cover of Bang a Gong.” If this is the sum of Santana playing music for fifty plus years then he needs to reevaluate.
Either way, Gavin Rossdale proves that I had no idea what a douchebag was when I was 12 years old, and that he has no idea what to do on stage while singing Bang a Gong, if there is anything to be done.
Seriously, I wish I could say something more about this, but the combination has perplexed me so much that I’m speechless.